COMMITMENT...

We were asked at the renewal that we just came from to make some “commitments” (which is hard for some of us who flee from most anything that requires commitment for fear that we will fail, but that’s another post altogether).

We were to ponder and pray and listen for God to speak in regards to what He was seeking to transform within us throughout the week and how what we felt Him shifting would play itself out on the following Monday morning when we were no longer in “renewal” setting. It was obvious that real life was waiting, so how would our time together with one another, and mostly, with the Lord have affected the everyday-ness of our life.

In an attempt to not oversimplify but not write a ridiculously long post – one of my RUDE awakenings throughout the week of being in God’s presence and the presence of some other folks who invited us to engage with them in the process of a “deeper life,” was that I felt clearly convicted that I had traded in my DELIGHT at being a daughter of the King and walking with Him into hard places and feeling privileged to do so – to attempt to lead a ministry. The exchange has been stinky and it’s taken the best parts about doing all of this with it. It has left me tired and frustrated and burnt out and bitter and hurt and lacking in so many places. I was offering the people I was certain God has asked me to serve, a very manufactured offering, because my cup was bone dry – there was nothing there worth anything to offer. I found myself scary dry and scary numb toward some things that should move this girls heart.

One of the largest regrets I have about ministry is that sometimes it hardens things that were so soft and vulnerable and nurturing in some far off distant place in the past. Some of that is “theirs” to own (whoever “they” might be)…for instance my heart remembers soft and vulnerable before it seemed like everyone was watching and knew how you were supposed to do things and were dishonoring in their conversations about how wrong even your best attempt at following Him passionately and serving people is. It was that way before ministries fought and competed for credit instead of working together to help the people who needed it. It was that way before people who loved Jesus didn’t act like Jesus very much at all. AND THEN…if I am honest a whole big lot of it is mine to own…It was that way before I took my eyes off Him and put my eyes on all the needs in front of us and our inadequacy to meet them. It was that way before I was able to walk past a half naked hungry soul and that feel like a “normal” part of my world, without needing to respond. It was that way before the pictures in the newspapers of murdered bodies lying on the ground no longer made me sick to my stomach or burdened in my heart and I was able to flip the page without much feeling about that at all. It was that way until I allowed my guilt over what other people thought a missionary should be to dictate what I did whether I felt God leading in that direction or not. It was that way until I began behaving as though I believed that working for God might be the same thing as pursuing God. It was that way before I thought that being a “missionary” had now become part of my “identity” instead of a really humbling piece of my journey through this life. It was that way until one day I realized that I had gotten so far from the girl I was when I came here to do this that I honestly wasn’t sure whether I really knew myself at this point at all. There’s a whole lot there that takes some “owning” from me as well.

Sure there are places that have grown and changed and shifted. There are places that are better as a result of the journey, but I think sometimes moving forward from where you are requires naming what you hate about where you are. I think this is that.

Somehow naming it and saying it and calling it what it is – liberates. There it is, honest, and out in the open, I am far from who I desperately want to be.

So now what??? Well, I think that’s where the “commitment” of what would change on Monday morning after our renewal time together comes in. At the risk of this sounding like I’m binding myself to some “law” I’ll never be able to keep, and using some tag line that has become an easy way to bury someone with guilt, I was certain that some things were going to have to change in my world. You know what I decided. I deserve an hour in the morning to seek God. I deserve a pretty place to be able to do that. I desire a cup that overflows with Him and things that would honor Him and if that’s true then it’s going to take some devotion on my part to bring that cup to Him for His abundant filling. So I decorated my patio. I bought myself a table and chairs. I was gifted with some gorgeous flowers to plant in my flower boxes. I bought some more pots and some other flowers that I just loved. I created a space to meet with God. It won’t be magic. It won’t create something I couldn’t have created in a corner of my bare room – but I want to be intentional about meeting with God and delighting in that again. I figured He was deserving of my time and energy in creating and decorating a place where we would have a date each day. So I dedicated that corner of the patio to be my “prayer chair.” Many other things will inevitably take place there but at the beginning of my day whether it’s 5 minutes or an hour or longer, I’ll seek Him there. I’ll put myself in position of surrender and listen for His lead. I’ll remember that my identity is in being His daughter…NOTHING else. I’ll be still and I will allow Him to quiet this heart that can hear the criticisms and opinions of others so loud some days I think I might go nuts. I will bring Him my mess and ask Him to start here with me first, change this before I invite or serve or “work” for everyone else who “needs” Jesus, I’ll remember that I’m pretty desperately in need of Him as well.

This prayer was one that was shared at the “renewal” and will become a regular part of my morning time…it speaks of morning, but it also speaks toward new beginnings and I feel like that also is where I am at this point in the journey.

AT THE DAWN

Our first glimpse of reality this day – everyday – is your fidelity.

We are dazzled by the ways you remain constant among us,
in season, out of season,
for better, for worse,
in sickness and in health.
You are there in watchfulness as we fall asleep;
You are there in alertness when we awaken…and we are glad.
Before the day ends, we will have occasion
to flag your absence in indifference…
but not now, not at the dawn.
Before the day ends, we will think more than once
that we need a better deal from you…
but not now, not at the dawn.
Before the day ends, we will look away from you and
relish our own fidelity and our virtue in mercy…
but not now, not at the dawn.
Now, at the dawn, our eyes are fixed on you in gladness.
We ask only that your faithfulness
permeate every troubled place we are able to name,
that your mercy
move against the hurts to make new,
that your steadfastness
hold firmly what is too fragile on its own.
And we begin the day in joy, in hope, and in deep gladness. Amen.

I desperately want to be honest with myself and with my God about who and where I am and how desperately I need Him – and today at this dawn – I think I make the commitment to start there again…knowing that I will no doubt fail…and that He will NO doubt still love me. Amazing!! Absolutely amazing!!

ROCKED MY FACE OFF!!!

I have just had a “defining moment” week in my life.

I remember the season that led up to my reinvention of what this heart believed to be true about church and God and an authentic relationship with Him so vividly. It sticks out to me and will forever be a mark of my spiritual journey because it reshaped so much of my own walk with God. I learned in a small group of people in my 20′s what it meant to passionately love God and become a disciple attempting to follow so closely that the dust from His steps might land upon these feet. I wanted to become a follower of Christ, the platitudes and cliches would no longer satisfy all that was stirring in my heart. I wanted Him – a true version of Him – a pursued intentionally version of Him – a manifestation of Him in my life in the ways that I chose to live out every part of life. That season actually began my “relationship with Him.” My belief in Him came much earlier but His permanent home in my heart took up residence during that season. It was a “defining moment.”

So when I use the words “defining moment” they bear weight in my heart. They carry with it the idea that it marked me so deeply that parts of my heart/life/pursuit of God will forever be changed from the experience.

In the same way that worshipping with a small group of folks “reinvented” my ideas about community and God and church and walking with Him, this week has marked me as significantly in my views of ministry. I have been changed forever by both witnessing these women serve and minister and by the empowering of feeling like God was challenging me to go and do likewise in the sphere of ministry that He has placed before me.

I have a feeling this blog will be the spot where I wrestle out some of what’s in my heart about my time here and ALL that has happened as a result of it. Even typing that I have a myriad of words coming to mind for blog topics…hesed, easy love/hard love and all that happens in between, Psalm 103 (which could easily be 150 blogs on it’s own), a whole host of names of women who have touched me deeply and things you should hear and know about each of them, oh heavens, I have soooooooooo much crowding for space and desperately needing a way to flow out that I’m gonna need a way (if for no one else but me) to say some of this … so this is it!!

One of the things I have read over and over and over again since someone was kind enough to share this with me is this prayer. It resonates. It challenges. It screams in some moments and whispers in others. Today this is what I need to share and what I need to log on this space, so that I never forget how much it spoke to me in this season.

An Answering and a Refusing

We confess you to be the God who calls,
Who wills,
Who summons,
Who has concrete intentions,
For your creation,
And addresses human agents
Who do your will.

We imagine ourselves called by you…
Yet a strange lot:
Called but cowarldly,
Obedient but self-indulgent,
Devoted to you, but otherwise preoccupied.

In our strange mix an answering and a refusing,
We give thanks for your call.

We pray this day,
For ourselves, fresh vision;
For our friends, great courage,
For those who search for You in places more dangerous than ours,
Deep freedom.

As we seek to answer your call,
May we be haunted by your large purposes,
We pray in the name of the utterly called Jesus, Amen.

And amen

WEDNESDAY - Gals :)

 

 

 

 

Wednesday we divided to conquer and the girls plus one very sweet bodyguard (Mark) headed to a new place for this year. We went to the juvenile detention center for teenage girls. It was a sight to behold. We sat and looked into the eyes of BEAUTIFUL girls 12-18 years old who had done what was required to land yourself in prison but they were just too young to go there. Many of them though if their sentences last over the time that they turn 18 will be transferred to the women's prison system. It was one of the most heart wrenching things I have ever seen and I've laid eyes on some pretty gutt wrenching stuff in this country. I sat near a couple of them and talked to them and asked their story and there were 13 year old girls in there for murder. I could not hardly remember to continue to inhale and exhale a few times when they told me some of that stuff. A 17 year old girl in there with a month and a half year old baby who was absolutely gorgeous and sweet as could be when we were talking to her in for at least 5 years for trying to smuggle drugs into her boyfriend who is in the mens prison system. She went for a visit had drugs in her pocket and life has dramatically changed for a very long time.

We teamed up with a ministry that I team up with anytime I can get the chance called Mi Esperanza. Some of my very good friends work with this ministry to empower and educate women to learn a skill to be able to provide a life for their children and themselves. It's a great ministry that is doing fantastic things, but on this particular day they took their beauty school students for a social service day. So the beauty students spent all day with these young girls giving hair do's and pedicures and manicures and just loving on the girls and hearing their stories. It's a new thing that has been implemented into the program not so long ago and the students love it. Old students ask to return for social service days because they believe in it. It's a neat thing to watch some of the women who have come in poor with little self esteem now have something to offer to someone else. Fun to witness and the young girls love having older gals to talk to and look up to. It's pretty special.

We took spaghetti and had lunch with them and popped popcorn and met some very special ladies with Orphan Helpers who are committed to teaching those young girls about Christ. We promised to continue to try to resource for them and find them bibles and spanish curriculum to use with the girls inside the center.

A few of us who live here and are able are going to make this a once a month stop at least. It stole a piece of our hearts and we recognized them as the least of the least in so many ways. Without hope, many of them, and no one up to this point who has loved on them. I really believe that sitting beside them for a couple hours a month might be one of the most worthy expenditures of my time I've found in a while.

TUESDAY Stop 3

 

 

 

 

Next place on the agenda was the Mother Teresa Home. This is a facility with special needs children, orphaned children, single mothers, basically anyone who needs a place to go is welcomed. There are 2 sisters for 42 children and that was pretty obvious. They are low on resources and time and energy. We had fun doing popcorn with them and just playing for a couple hours in the afternoon. It will be a place that I will visit again and try to help. We were touched and tormented by the way the children were treated pretty harshly. Then we heard their story and realized they were under serious stress with only 2 of them for 42 childrens needs. That is certainly no justification for being unkind to the children but it perhaps gave us a tad more grace as we reached out to love on the children and the people who care for them. Brian Feldmeier must have played airplane with the popcorn for 10 minutes solid clear around the table as more little boys came and wanted to be a part of someone paying enough attention to them to put a piece of popcorn in their mouth. It was fun to see little boys get to play with grown up men and enjoy it so much. They lack male attention for sure and so they crave it and latch onto it when given a chance. Our guys did a terrific job of that.

This was the end of our day and we went back up to the mission house after we were done playing and were whooped...a good whooped, the best kinda whooped I know. It was a great day.

 

 

So this was a little lady we saw at the market who had a basket FULL of bananas on her head that she was trying to sell. We decided we'd like to try and make her day and buy her out. She walked away dancing a little jig with a HUGE smile on her face. Fun stuff!!

 

 

This is Rosa's little store in the market. I love visiting there and buying from her when I can and knowing that I'm helping her family. It was fun to allow the group to see another moment in the life of one of the people we love here.

 

Eva and Sarah - it was one of the sweetest spots of the trip for me as well.

 

 

 

When we asked Don Francisco what some of his greatest needs were he said...honestly Jen we really need food. Alrighty then. I shared that with the group and so we loaded up to head to the little market where my friend Rosa has now opened a little store and so we went and bought food for the folks we had just sat beside. We loaded them up on corn for tortillas, beans, rice, eggs, some fruits and veggies, and a few other things that should last at least a week. I'll go back to check on them soon and make sure they're ok and bring more if they need it. It was a sweet experience both to be able to bless Rosa as she is attempting to pay back the microloan she was given to open her little store and know that at the same time we would be able to bless CEDER. I will try to look for a picture of Rosa's store so you can see the type of market we experienced. It was a cool experience for the team to see Rosa as well because she used to be the one serving us every year at the mission house when we brought teams in and now we were able to serve her. They enjoyed getting to see one another. Another cool moment of attempting to intentionally use the money that God asked us to steward in ways that would provide the most ripples.

TUESDAY Stop 2

 

 

 

 

So after the hospital we were off to the elderly home. Last year was our first trip there but it's becoming a pretty sacred spot for us as well. We were reminded of the precious work that Don Francisco does as he provides a place for the elderly to pass from this life with some shred of dignity and someone beside them as they go. I watched people cry because we asked about people we had connected to last year who were no longer there this year. It was like the reality of the moment hit as Don Francisco talked about them with love in his eyes and a knowing in his heart that he'd done the right thing by giving up a career as a dentist to come and live a life among these precious "least of these." I had the privilege of sitting and trying to translate for Eva while she talked to this sweet little lady named Sarah who has breast cancer and is just waiting for it to take her from this life into the next and she was sitting there no longer able to see quoting scripture to us. Then she would take our hands and kiss them and say now listen you go and continue to be kind to people and try not to hurt anyone ok? Think that's a great motto to live by and sounds a whole lot like the simplicity of the gospel to me.

We had some flowers left over from the hospital so we brought them with us and did some more arrangments to place beside the beds of the folks who reside in CEDER (the elderly home). It was so sweet almost as soon as Brian started to put them together a little lady who resides there came right over to where they were working and started to help place the flowers in the cups. She was so sweet and particular as she arranged them to look just right. Once again a special moment of her being able to serve her friends who have now become family there that she wouldn't have had without resources that were brought by this team. The flowers gave her an opportunity to serve her people. Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful! I think God smiled big on that one.

 

 

 

 

A few more pictures of the hydrocephaly kiddo's and their momma's waiting for a shred of hope that their baby might make it...and Cesar our bus driver being a part of the things we were involved in. That was a really sweet part of this journey too. He jumped right in and wanted to be a part of serving his people. I think I've mentioned it but I will say it again probably several hundred times...I LOVE IT WHEN THAT HAPPENS...I am learning that a large part of a short term teams experience is to provide experiences for Hondurans to serve Hondurans as much as it is possible. It's beautiful to watch and the effects of that last long after we're gone and that's what we hope for...that when we're gone they will still be helped and served. There were some very neat moments of that this year.

TUESDAY Stop 1

 

 

 

 

Tuesday will rank right up there with one of my VERY favorite days in team history. I LOVED it!!! I can't tell you the number of times I have been at the hospital for visits now...but it's ALOT!! This was by far the neatest visit that I've had. We had the privilege of having one of the doctors from Hospital Escuela come and we had devo that morning in the foyer of the hospital. She shared some about her experience working in a place with limited resources and how much she loved what she does. We had a donation from some very sweet folks as well to use at the hospital and so Doctora Sandra was able to take a few of us across the street to the medical supply store where we were able to buy two shunts for hydrocephaly children that will essentially save their lives. The tremendously humbling and difficult thing to grasp is that one of these shunts costs about $250 and the families watch their children die often because they can't come up with $250. I can't even grasp that. So to know that $500 was spent to save two children's lives was a really touching experience. Doctora Sandra led us all around the hospital and took us to see the hydrocephaly children and to present the shunts to the head nurse on staff (the doctor was in surgery). We stood in the room of the children who will likely receive the shunts and placed our hands on them and prayed over them their families and all who work with them. It was a beautiful/heartwrenching way to start the morning. Extreme sorrow and extreme joy living in exactly the same moment.

A couple years ago Momma Grose visited a little girls room while on a hospital visit and laid a single flower on the little girls bed and watched her eyes light up and a smile break over her face as she noticed it was the only thing with any color in a very dull room and how that one little flower brought so much joy. While talking about our trip this year that idea just mushroomed into...let's go to a flower stand really early one morning and buy most everything they have and take it to the hospital and make little cups of flowers to put beside the beds of the kiddo's. So, as God would have it, we had a flower expert with us and so Brian worked with a few other people to make little arrangments in plastic cups to take to the children. You should have seen the people coming by asking for one. They were beautiful and it was so much fun to watch a plastic cup and some flowers turn into something way better than that.

 

 

 

 

Monday we had a packed day and built a house for a family out near the dump. We had heard about this family through another guy Marlon who had a house built for him a few months ago. A man wanting to help someone else he knew that needed help. It is touching to watch people become missionaries to their own people when given a chance to extend God's goodness and explain to them that God will provide and then help to make that happen. They worked alongside us all day long to help build their own house and be a part of the gift that was being extended. I love watching that happen may I just say.

We took a break at lunch to go and serve at the dump. For some of our team it was the the first time that they had laid eyes on this place. A difficult day no matter how many times you've seen it.

In the afternoon when the house was about finished we went back for another load of water in a bag and delivered a second time to those working in the dump. The heat at this time of the year is horrible and they beg for more water every single time we come.

It was a hard day but it was an honor to come alongside some people who praised God for a cup (or bag in this case) of water and a roof over their head. For the least of these Father...thank you for them and the way it helps us see you.