I went to lunch today with a friend who echoed so much of what my heart has been feeling, or perhaps put into words what my heart couldn't yet find words to say. We sat at a cute little coffee shop and talked about what it really means to have an authentic relationship with God and to be able to offer that to the world. Guess I've been questioning so much of what we do in the name of "religion" and the institution that we have made of the church. Don't get me wrong, because of fellowship with believers I learned to love Jesus, and because of accountability I am far better today than I was even 6 months ago, probably even 6 days ago...it's just that if I'm honest there's a part of my heart that really believes we've as a whole botched what Jesus came here for and what He called us to. I'm reading a book right now called "Blue Like Jazz" and it is one of the most challenging books I have ever picked up to read. So simply stated and yet presents ideas we don't usually constitute as true religion or godliness. Goes against the grain and I find myself cringing at moments thinking you can't say that. I find his statements so refreshing however. It's as if I'm being validated in feeling like Jesus didn't come for the rules and platitudes and to live inside this 3 inch box we've given Him free reign in.
Anybody else out there reading this ever have one of these moments where your spirit is in crisis in some way you can't describe necessarily in words? I feel like that right now when I think about the way we do church. It's not that I doubt the existence of God anymore, I don't. He is as real to me as the air I breathe. Now it's that I find myself questioning some of the surrounding elements of that as if taking other people's word for what God asks me to do and be is not enough anymore. It isn't enough to me to sit in a church building where we talk about feeding the homeless, I want to hold the spoon and find the hungry and feed them. It isn't enough somewhere within me anymore to talk about leading people to Jesus and never invest enough in people that don't look and act exactly like we do to know what it feels like to truly lead someone else into Christ's arms. Finding it difficult to sit in a service that is structured in some ways so that sinners who don't know how to "behave" in church would never be able to feel comfortable there. I'm not sure we've set up a mimick version of what Jesus established. I think we've so gotten in the way of some of that. I guess what I'm saying in essence is, what has always been enough, in my mind isn't enough anymore.
Guess that means somehow we're going deeper. It means some things are being reframed in my mind. It means a lot of things I don't even know yet. Here's the one thing I do know, it is making Jesus' heart for people beat within my own chest in ways I can not fully explain and I am so thankful for His kindness in allowing me to be part of His passion.
Thanks for listening or reading my jumbled thoughts. Of course they are subject to change and I pray they don't step on your toes. I am in no way abandoning the church...perhaps just seeking to be closer to what Jesus asked me to be as a member of it.
Goodnight for now.
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