Compelled by Love

It's late. It's quiet. I'm sitting in my office that I just shifted around tonight, with my lamp dimly lighting this room and my candle making the office smell really good. Hillsong is singing praise music and for the first time this week I am taking time to relive the events of the past week and take them in. It's been an eventful week to say the least. Busy. Beautifully busy.

As many of you know, if you've read Karen or Ashley's blogs we took in 6 new children this week. 6 broken children who needed a place to live. Brayan and Rudy have finally come home, can we shout HALLELUJAH??!! And to my sheer surprise God had other plans and decided to send 4 more with them.

You know it's always a time of huge adjustment here when we bring in new kiddo's. There are those moments when overwhelming is the best word to describe it. We all have moments of "God I can't do this, this is so hard, and I have no idea how to reach this one." There are tears there are always tears as we collapse into bed at night exhausted because we are emotionally spent with giving and trying to be Jesus and attempt to be balm for their wounds in some very small way. It's a difficult time always and we covet your prayers. But I maintain that it is during these times that I learn the very most about God's sufficiency. The whole when we are weak He is strong promise.

This week some of my most poignant lessons have come from a little boy named Luvin. He's a handful in no uncertain terms. And if you knew nothing of his background you'd be able to send him away and not give him a second look, unfortunately. He's one of those kids that would be so easy to give up on and overlook. He has been beaten, has scars on his body as signs of hot water thrown on him, all at the hands of his parents. So his answer to problems in his world is anger and force, as has been evidenced.

After an "episode" where his anger erupted I had come home and walked in and was attempting to calm him down and talk with him. In that room with his 12 year old self on my lap just bawling and me rocking him back and forth and saying Luvin, God loves you, God loves you, God loves you, his heart settled. As we were talking I felt God giving me words to say in 12 year old language that was very unscripted and on the spot (which I happen to be way bad at most often).

Got to sit with a little guy who has never felt loved in his 12 years of life and explain that God loves him on his good days and bad days moment by moment and that we were going to attempt to be God's love to him in this house. I explained that he needed to apologize to Ashley (who took the brunt of his anger with the heart of Jesus) and that he would need to stand in front of the other kiddo's that night before dinner and tell them he was sorry because this was a family and he had hurt one of the members of our family and when that happened we all hurt. He said, "but I'm embarrassed." Whewwww don't know how many times you've been there but it broke my heart, I said I know buddy, I am always embarrassed when I have to tell God that I'm sorry because I did things I shouldn't have done, that I didn't really want to do, but it's still necessary and you'll feel better afterwards. We talked for a while longer about God and how much He loves us and how when we ask Him to forgive us He does and He doesn't remember it anymore and we're gonna do the same. I said to him, are you ready to go tell Ashley you're sorry? He looked at me and I said, I'll go with you but you're gonna have to tell her yourself ok?! He nodded his head.

So with all his courage mustered and his head buried in his hands, I called Ashley inside and told her he wanted to talk to her. She sat down at the table next to him, hugged him first (after he'd spent an hour or so wailing on her) and lifted his head to look at her. He said with much sorrow, I'm sorry for hitting you and making you sad. We both explained to him that we all make mistakes and that God loves us through them and the important thing is that we make better choices and that it was our job to try and help him learn how to do that.

So at supper time, I walked up and I said Luvin are you ready? He looked at me as if to say for what, and I said remember what we talked about earlier. He stood up and walked up in front of everyone else as he was holding onto my hand and in words that came straight from him he said..."I want to live here and I want to be a part of this family and I'm sorry I hurt someone you love today and I need you to forgive me." Whewww puddle of tears in this heart. Those weren't my words they were his. Then Marvin, bless his little heart said, "It's ok Luvin we all make bad decisions, we forgive you." We had a great "family discussion" about God's love and His forgiveness and what that means.

Funny how when you're supposed to be the teacher you find yourself learning the best lessons. Not ones you didn't know but ones you hadn't yet fully realized perhaps.

I thought about how every single time I go before God to say, I am so sorry...I want to live here and be part of this family and I hurt you today and I need you to forgive me...how He so willingly says, it's ok Jen I knew you'd make some bad decisions, I forgive you. Thought about how every single time I have to do that, in a sense Jesus says it's ok Jen I know you're embarrassed but it's the right thing to do, I'll go with you and He's my advocate, my partner in my confession in a sense.

Guess in part I just got caught up in the beauty and simplicity of the love and grace of God and as I was attempting to explain it without flowery words or intelligence that would be admired or doctrine that lined up or any of that I just got overtaken by the pure and simple love of a God who would take me in as much of a mess as I was, who would clean me up, put me in new clothes, and wait patiently for the process of my transformation, believing in what I could be instead of what I was.

Oh Father may we please do the same! Thank you for the visualization of Your love through the eyes of this one You gave to our keeping. May we think and act in the shadow of Your cross as we deal with him.

We continue to covet your prayers. Thank you for them, every last one of them.

Live loved....You are!!