Well it was another one of those nights we all dread and my niece, Carley, had to be taken to the hospital again because she was having a seizure. She's two and is absolutely delightful but since she's been born it's been one thing after another and two years of tests and doctor's visits and no real answers as to what is going on. It's in those moments that you drive up the road thinking through how many things do not make sense and wondering what you say to people you love who aren't sure what they think about this God thing anyway to help them understand that God loves them. I mean it doesn't make sense to me and I know in the deepest parts of my heart that God loves me. I think in the middle of my drive last night I heard God say, Jen how about you not worry about trying to explain me or do me justice. How about you just go and be real and honest and love on them. How about you say I don't get it either. How about you just show them that loving God doesn't mean you know all the answers it means you realize how few answers you do know and you need someone who does. Lots of life lessons in that 5 minute conversation with God for sure. Just show up and be real. It's been a recurring theme in my time with Him over the past year or so. Yes Lord I get it.
The most tender thing happened in my heart somewhere in the middle of all the difficulties though and it may only be proufound to me because I realize some things are "have to be there" moments. It's another one of those moments that I type out and save so that I won't forget I suppose. We had been at the hospital for a couple of hours and for most of that time Carley was sleeping in my brothers big ole arms which still after two years makes me tear up. It's just a sweet sight. This 6 foot 5 guy who is just huge holding this little girl that has him wrapped around her finger. I had been waiting in the waiting room but I saw my sister in law come out of the room and go outside and so I thought I'd go sit with my brother. When I walked in I saw the nurses there getting ready to take blood and in an attempt to be a good moral supporter decided I'd stick it out with them. I stood at the foot of the bed, the two nurses were on the right side of the bed and my big ole huge brother on the left side of the bed holding Carley down. He had to hold her arms and the nurse wrapped that blue band around her arm and stuck the needle in that tiny little arm and Carley just started screaming and crying. It was horrible. Now I realize it's just a needle and thousands of us have had blood taken and it's not nearly as dramatic as this may seem...but the worst thing was her little eyes looking up at her daddy with this imploring pleading look. It was like she was saying daddy why are you letting them do this to me. Please make them stop. They couldn't get the needle in on the first time, even after drastic wiggling (arrrghhhh) they missed the vein and so the took the band off and said ok daddy you can hold her. She wrapped her tiny little arms around my brothers neck and all was ok with the world. The only problem was he was going to have to put her back on that table and endure that all over again because we still had no blood sample. So he talked quietly in her little ear and he placed her back up on that table held her arms down again as I held her legs and she saw the blue band coming and squals erupted again. I watched tears roll down my brothers cheek and the nurse stuck her again and the blood started to flow into the tube. (Thank You Lord) I am not sure at what point through all of that it happened but I couldn't see the needle anymore, I only saw a nail. I think it was in her sweet little eyes as I saw that imploring, pleading look and I watched my brothers heart break at not being able to take her off that table walk out the door with her keep her safe and pretend this wasn't happening. It got me. I walked out the door put my head in my hands and wept.
A blood sample was needed another day long ago and it wasn't in a hospital it was on a hill, but I feel confident a few things were the same. That imploring pleading look. That love that would do whatever it took. The pain. The tears. The daddy who could hardly bear the hurt.
One thing is so beautifully wonderfully different. That blood wasn't sick or infected or needed for tests. That blood changed the world.
Thank You Father for enduring the pain of watching those nails be sent through Your precious Son so that we could be set free.
My brother, my prayer is that you will someday soon see that another daddy understands your pain and you were reason enough for Him to watch His Son hurt too! I love you.
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