Life is good and God is faithful and yet one thing remains the same....I'm still human. I spent some time with some of my favorite people last night that my heart absolutely adores and I was neither kind nor gentle. I was not honoring or encouraging. As a matter of fact I was a poop. Somewhere along the way I learned that being a smartalleck, sarcastic, and being punky were defense mechanisms to avoid all the other emotion that's going on in your heart and so when my heart feels full of "stuff" and I'm not quite sure how to process all of it, or when my heart hurts and I don't want to deal with it, or who knows when else, I default there.
I hate those times. HATE THEM!!! I'm a firstborn and so there's a part of me that wants perfection. I want to be a perfect friend, I want to be a perfect daughter, I want to be a perfect...well I just want to be perfect in the ways I deem important. The only thing that gets in the way of that is that I live in this human body and operate out of a human heart. It never yields perfect. There are moments of good, no doubt. There are also moments of horrible. I can't seem to get rid of those imperfect moments no matter how hard I try.
Which gives me two options I suppose...1) I beat the tar out of myself for not being perfect (which I happen to be VERY good at) and guilt myself senseless thinking about what I should be and how I should act and how lousy I am that I continue to screw up and well I'm sure you very well know this option. We're good at condemnation. The great news is though that I'm learning I have another choice 2) I apologize to those people who witnessed the effect of my default, I pray my gutts out for God's Spirit to come and take over and make me more kind and gentle and full of His love and operate more out of His heart instead of my own and then I throw myself under a cross and let His blood cover my humanness and remind myself that I am being sanctified even as we speak, but that one thing about me is perfect right now...my being made righteous has been covered and I stand before God lovely because of the blood of His Son.
So today I wake up and I'm still human and as much as I'd like to bring Him a more excellent sacrifice I bring all that I am and trust Him to make something more of it than I know how to.
Thank you Lord that you continue to love and work in us regardless of our junk. Help me to realize that my being human only gives me greater opportunity to worship Your holiness. Help me to choose to.
1 comment:
Jen, I appreciate your thoughts. As you know, I am one of the biggest offenders of this syndrome, and though I mean nothing hurtful, sometimes I know that is the effect. Im working on it, but it is a slow process. The sad thing is.......Im a little more HUMAN than I want to be right now. Make you a deal, lets pray for each other!!!!!!! Love you and your thoughts in more ways than you will ever know.
Mark
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