Have you ever wondered how hurting so bad could ever be a part of God's plan for your life...like how to reconcile Him being my "protector" and choosing not to protect me from certain things that have broken my heart...
I'm in this new stage of relationship with God where I have more questions than answers about what following Him all the way to the cross means. I'm sure some of you are very familiar with this place, when God chooses to reveal Himself in harder more difficult ways because deeper requires it. It hurts like heck I've decided...and it's causing me to evaluate so much about what it requires of me to follow Him all the way to the cross.
What does that require when people falsely accuse you... when do you fight for justice and when do you stand silent before your sheerers? Do you ever fight for justice for yourself or are you only to be a voice for justice for others?
Do you speak truth when you know it or do you just wait for God to expose truth in His time? Where do I get in the way of God's timing?
How much pride factors into so much of what I decide to do with my life? Daily where is it hidden from my eyes and so visible to others?
How do you watch a dream die and relinquish it without getting angry or bitter?
If the cross means death and I am supposed to die, then it no longer matters whether I'm right, whether I'm offended, whether I'm hurt, whether I'm applauded, whether it feels good, whether I'm _________ because I'm dead and my "rights" died with it.
it just no longer matters -- but the road to the cross is long and it's hard and it's bloody and it's messy and you sweat and you cry and you struggle and you want to stop and quit and you break and you crumble beneath it - before you ever get to the dying.
So pray that I'll follow Him all the way there, that I'll die to myself...and that in the middle of the journey there that I'll honor Him and that I'll rest knowing that my "desire to please Him does in fact please Him."
no matter how messy it may look along the way.
3 comments:
I am at a loss for words of wisdom because I have not experienced the deep hurt that has consumed you. I can only pray for strength and understanding for you, and that I will do!
Kelly
"where there is doubt there is faith" St. Augustine
Love you..not sure what else to say BUT I have been a place much like where you are and it is nothing short of hard and painful. But allow the work of the Lord and know he is refining you and making you into His more and more.
As I use to tell my kids...The only one you can control is YOU so do the right thing and the rest will be what it is!!
Jen
There is a book called The Heavenly Man, that tells exactly what you are going through. Yun, is a Chinese Christian and has been through unimaginable tests for his faith. He has been in prision for a total of 7 years, tortured, beaten nearly to death, starved, etc... I will try to get a copy for you. All this and he praises God for each test he has faced.
Jan E
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