A Homecoming Like No Other...

Well to put it mildly I have been LOVED all over. I have gotten drawings and flowers made out of paper and gotten kisses all over these cheeks and hugs around this neck too numerous to count. Until God put all this love in this heart for these kiddo's I had no idea what "coming home" meant in quite the same way. I always came home as the daughter or the sister or the friend, but when I stepped these feet through the gate and I heard a two year old Antonio yell "mommy" and watched a 4 year old Francisco lose his face in the smile that came over it as he ran to meet me, and I watched an 11 year old Rudy timidly walk up and bury his face in my tummy as he hugged the stuffins out of me, I knew I'd come home in a completely different way. I came home this time as "mommy." I LOVE that!!!

Here are a few pictures to show you the beauty of coming home for this girl...I'll write more soon. For now just know it is good to be back!!

I am going back to my babies tomorrow!!! :) That part makes this momma heart God has grown within me want to jump up and down...it's just that goodness to go back to them means I have to leave all of these sweet people that make up "home." I have not written as much as I would like to about my fundraising trip and hopefully when I get back and settled in, I will have a bit more time to share with you some of the neat people I got to meet and experiences God allowed me to have while here for a couple months.

I miss Karen too a whole bunch. When God put us together in this ministry and asked us to go rescue some kiddo's I had no idea what all that would entail. The past 2 years however have had high's and low's and we have learned about the faithfulness and our desperate need for God and we have weathered some storms together to say the least and in the middle of that I have grown to respect her character and her love for God so very very much. She has become dear to my heart, a sister in this ministry and being away for a couple months has helped me understand how much I have taken that for granted at moments. She has stayed and been the consistent without much help girl at the house while I've been here fundraising and I never worried once if the kids would be taken care of, they just are when she's around. Anyway, for all the times I don't say it and should...I am soooo incredibly thankful for the partner she is in this ministry and the sister she has become to my heart!!

Anyway, please keep us in your prayers as Ashley and I will be headed back early tomorrow morning. The hello's are always a delight and the goodbye's are always HARD!! I could use your prayers. Thanks as always.

Might I Just Suggest...

Well made a quick trip to Nashville over the weekend because some dear friends had planned a fundraiser for Casa there and it was great to get to see them and visit for a bit.

While there I picked up a new cd and a few new books.

Thought I would lend my rants and raves about them for a minute on today's blog. Can I just say that Mandisa is being used by God in beautiful ways. Her adventure on American Idol was only the beginning of her glorifying God with her gifts. I believe that because her cd is top notch. We listened to it on repeat the WHOLE way back from Nashville.

And I picked up Rob Bell's new book called Sex God. I know a bit of an awkward title until you get into the book and he explains the premise and then you find yourself nodding in agreement with what he's laying out before you with his words. It's a book the body of Christ needs to read and beyond that live out. I would HIGHLY recommend it.

Ok that's all for today just a little book and music review for this morning. The trip is going well, I've gotten to meet so many neat new people and it's fun to watch them getting excited about this project that has stolen my heart.

We continue to pray for people who will give to help us stay and tuck these sweet kiddo's in at night and love on them throughout life. If you are willing and able to help with staff support for the next year, please contact us at casadeesperanza@gmail.com and we'll be glad to send out more information if necessary. It sure does take God's village to raise a child!! :)

Jessica and Jessie...

I know you can hardly believe it, I am posting AGAIN today!! I can't really believe it either, except I've had two evenings where I've been home in a row and it's been heavenly. So another post is in the making...

This is my friend Jessica...the sweet gal that I met when she came to Honduras with our Belpre team a little over two years ago now. I'll be honest we were all thinking, does she know what she's getting herself into here??? Like this is a bunch of Jesus loving, lots of hugging, country folk who are going to this little tiny country with lots of impoverished people. Shame on me for ever thinking that. Let me explain just a bit...as you can tell, even though she loves me, Jessica is more the give me my space kind of girl (not so much a hugger, but she's learning through force as you can tell) and she's a New Yorker (not born and raised, but as I just spent a few days trekking the streets with her her feet have become New Yorker for sure) and I think it would be fair to say, and I think that she'd tell you, that she wasn't too sure what she thought about all this Jesus loving business either.

Ok fast forward two years to today...and Jessica is one of my dearest friends. She has latched onto Casa with both fists and all her heart and she tucks away a little book of pictures to take with her everywhere that she goes to tell people about those sweet kiddo's. She sends me emails now when I'm feeling the pressure that say things like...Jen remember that God is in control and He's right there with you through all of this...and God is using her to speak truth to me in hard times. She works like a dog building those houses, and she loves with the best of us when a little brown eyed beauty finds their way into her arms. I am honored to know her and BLESSED to call her my friend.

So a little over a week ago, Gina and her sweet momma came to visit and they wanted to see New York. I mean REALLY wanted to see New York. (What I didn't know is that even if I took them in every single store within a 10 mile radius they weren't going to wear out. This would have been great information to know ahead of time. :) ) But out of the graciousness of Jessica's heart, she offered to let 4 of us stay in her studio apartment in Manhattan for 5 days and 4 nights. When a motel in the area costs $400 a night you want to kiss the feet of one who would allow you to sleep in their very free apartment. Not to mention the fact that we got to just have time to hang out with her.

Now I can not possibly explain to you this whole saga, but because I have been made fully aware that a HUGE apology must be granted, I will fill you in on at least part of it. Jessica has a cat named Jessie, now Jessie is cute, but she makes me sneeze. ALOT!! And Jessie is cute, but she wanted to sleep with Gina's mom every night and well Gina's mom really wanted to sleep minus Jessie, so one night I got up to go to the restroom and was sneezing my head off and I saw Gina's mom hiding under her covers in the darkness all I saw was the form of a body under the sheet and then I figured it out...she's hiding from Jessie. So I thought I was doing the world a favor at least for a couple hours, I mean it was like 3 am for Pete's sake...so I "might" have in my not so wide awake moments put Jessie in my arms took her into the bathroom after I was done and closed her in there for the rest of the night. Yep might have. OK I DID...I LOCKED JESSIE IN THE BATHROOM!!!

Now you would think that the other 3 ladies that were with me would have helped me out as I was attempting to save them as well, but do you think I got any help from them, oh Heavens no. As soon as Jessica came in in the morning, Gina had already let her out of the bathroom, but she was meow-ing to beat the band I guess. So that night at dinner Jessica says to me man Jessie was going crazy when I came in this morning what in the world was wrong with her?? So this slight grin that turned into a laugh found itself on my face and...all 3 of those other ladies that I was trying to help looked right at me and said "ummmhmmmm tell her Jen." SO much for trying to help them out ever again!!

So figured maybe a public apology would do the trick!! I love you Jessica and Jessie I will never lock you in the bathroom again (well unless you jump on my bed in the middle of the night and make me want to wet myself as you pounce again)

Shock of ALL Shockers...

I know shock of all shocks, this girl who never writes has FINALLY posted yet again. I have been traveling and fundraising for the past month or so and without fail someone in the crowd makes a point to let me know they check my blog EVERY DAY (I am so sorry for those of you who are so faithful) and then I feel this kick of guilt in my gutt, because I know I used to have so much more to write about and I was so much more diligent about doing so. So for those of you who got used to the everyday posts, I sincerely apologize. For those of you who thought ok maybe she'll slack back to once a week, hmmmm yep didn't work out either, and for those of you who have just resigned to the fact that I'm not gonna post any more than once a month, well I'm trying so hard to do better.

I am to the point that I am missing my kids something horrible, so I'm gonna make this a mommy writes to her kiddo's post. I know I know you waited for a month and this post isn't even to you, it's just not even kind is it. But...for tonight it's what my heart needs, so please bear with me. Thank you.

(Karen if you could translate this for me I would so appreciate it) Hey my little tribe, I am missing you so very very much. I have been traveling around telling our story to so many people and they are loving hearing about you and how special you are. I tell them how much I love you and how your little hearts are healing and how much we all love getting to do life together since God brought us to Casa. I will be home in 34 days...make sure that you start counting. I can't wait to see you. My life is so blessed to have you in it. I love you to the moon and back!!

I MISS MY KIDS...

So...I'm back to the world of cable internet where you actually can upload a picture in just a few short minutes and it actually will post to the internet so over the next couple months while I'm home, I will attempt to share some photos with you that have been so well-intentioned to get onto this computer but have gotten lost in my frustration.

I miss these sweet faces so much at the moment...I have now been home for almost 2 weeks and goodness I'm missing their goodnight hugs and their "mommy's" and their "I love you more's" and so many of those sweet moments that we are blessed by God to share.

I am however excited about the opportunities that God is providing for me here. I spent the first weekend that I was home with a delightful group of gals at a ladies retreat in Indianapolis, Indiana. It was by far one of my favorite ladies retreats I have ever been to. I mean let's face it, they sang, "Shackles" by Mary Mary and by all appearances they meant it. Sweet sweet bunch of gals that I quickly came to love and will return to see I feel certain.

Then Sunday night when I got home from there, we were off to a tour of the South. Spent some time in Nashville, Memphis, and Little Rock to fundraise. Got to share about these sweet lives with their difficult stories and ask people to partner with us financially for some needs that we have, specifically personal and staff support for this year. It is always a delight to get to share a story that these kiddo's will never have the opportunity to share with these precious folks. To be a voice for those without one, is a tremendously humbling endeavor because you so desperately want to do it justice.

This week I will be doing a few speaking engagements around here through the week and then this weekend is the Women of Purpose conference that I've been privileged to be a part of for the past few years. This year it has a bit of a different twist (no pun intended as I feel the twisting in the tummy every time I think about it) but I have the privilege (as nervous as it makes me) to offer the afternoon keynote. It is a huge honor I feel way unworthy of, but am looking forward to spending time with the women God will bring that day.

So...much on the calendar as you can tell, and one of my FAVORITE parts of the calendar is that on Thursday of this week, my "Honduran sister" will be arriving to the States to be a part of the next 2 weeks of life here. To top it off her sweet momma will be traveling with her as well. So we're all super excited to have Miss Gina and her momma here. 6 days my friend!!

Let me end this post by telling you about one of the highlights of this past week. It was another defining moment in my life, God is so kind to continue to offer us those isn't He??!! We had gone to a worship experience in Nashville at one of the local churches on Thursday night called Sanctuary. It was amazing and I was touched as I haven't really been in many praise and worship environments in English for a while and it's always one of the places that touches my heart most. So that was great in and of itself, but the afterward was what remains with me and will for a very long time I think. A group of those students who had just spent time worshipping together, gathered in a parking lot to pray and then to go and spend time with the homeless folks who were living in inner city Nashville. It was an honor to be invited into something I learned was quite sacred. When we arrived we saw park benches for beds and brush for a "camp" and a bridge for a roof. We met Al and Robert and Rick. We heard the story of Rick who had lost his oldest son 3 years ago and because of a daddy's broken heart he just never could go home where all the pain lived and so now he lives on the streets. We sat beside some of the worlds forgotten who have not for one day been forgotten by God and we learned the beauty of a life, the beauty of entering into suffering with those who suffer, and we learned that we're all so much more alike than we are different.

I was so incredibly touched by these precious people. I watched my friend Nathan do something that taught me a books worth of lessons in a 1 minute conversation. He looked at these 2 homeless men that he has now spent time with and developed a relationship with, and he said hey guys can you do me a favor...he said my sister has been sick for a couple weeks with a 105 degree temperature and they can't figure out what's wrong, so will you pray for her?? I watched intently through teary eyes to see their reaction, to which both of them said, yeah of course buddy we'll pray for her, and in my heart my face hit the floor. I thought, what a gift Nathan just offered them...this was no longer "the homeless guys" and Nathan...this was 3 friends sitting around sharing life and caring about what happens to one another. I watched what I believe God asks us to be without all the barriers of fear and pride...without all the walls and the stuffiness that accompanies them...I watched the "church" be the bride of Christ and walk where He would have us walk and I wanted to be a part of it for as long and as often as I could.

So while I'm home, I'll be fundraising, but I'm gonna also be looking now for opportunities to love on the forgotten of the world and the down and out...I'm gonna try to be their friend, no matter what that may cost. I'm gonna learn more about being like Him, cause I know He wants to teach me.

I'll keep in touch...blessings!!

A Month Again...

Goodness has it REALLY been a month again?!?!?!?!? ay ay ay...

First of all let me tell you that you all made us feel so loved last week with your phone calls and your prayers and emails checking on us and reminding us that our "family" lives all over the world and rallies around when we need them to. It was precious to be reminded that you all care and cover us in your prayers. We remained untouched by the hurricane and I believe with all of my heart it was because God heard your prayers and He answered in huge ways.

Secondly, please continue your powerful prayers because I will be leaving a week from tomorrow for 2 months to go home and raise our personal and staff support for the next year. When my flesh seems way too real it seems a daunting task to think about $50,000 but when I remember that God is in control, I know He has plenty of resources to handle this...but I appreciate your prayers more than I can say. This ministry has become a gigantic part of my life and there are 16 kiddo's counting on us to tuck them in at night and hug and kiss on them daily and it takes financial resources to be able to continue to do that. The stakes are high and the rewards more than words can explain.

I will try to write some updates and things while I'm home, should have some "quiet" time to be able to sit down and share some with you. I have so missed getting to do that.

One last request and the best is most often saved for last...I am begging your prayers for our dear friend Gayle who has not only become a partner in the ministry or a board member to our umbrella organization, she is now a cherished friend and at 10:45 tomorrow morning she'll go in for exploratory surgery for some things that could be potentially serious. We're just praying for healing in Jesus' name and I would just beg you to join us in praying for her health. She is not just our friend, but a tremendous asset to God's kingdom here on this earth, and quite selfishly, I want to journey with her here much longer.

Thanks as always for your love and support. Blessings...

Tia Gina...

So last weekend was the birthday of one of our very favorite people around this place...one we've come to refer to as Tia Gina. So when I told the kids it was her birthday I think it was Mario who piped up first and said, "can we have a party for her?" Well how in the world do you say no to that? So we began preparations and I had to be in the city for the afternoon so I told the kiddo's to clean up the house a bit and to write her a card or do something special for her whatever they wanted to do and that I would bring her home with me when I came in a little while. On the way out the door I hear one of them yell, "don't forget the pinata." See when we have a party around this place, we always have a pinata, it's just that usually the parties are for someone under 10 but I thought you know what, they want to throw her a party, they want a pinata, we shall have a pinata. So I bought a Mickey Mouse pinata, (Tia Gina loves Disneyworld) and a Baskin Robbins ice cream cake (Heavens have you all tasted that thing, it is a piece of Heaven on earth) and we had us a par-tay!! Here are some pictures from the evening. I'm not sure who had more fun, the kiddo's or Tia Gina.

It's not often that you get a pinata for your 34th birthday party but such are the benefits of being way special to a group of 16 kiddo's who believe that a birthday party does indeed include a pinata.

So before the night was over, Cindy came up and whispered in my ear..."We need to sing Tia Gina our song" because it's what we do at their birthday parties. At the end of the birthday we all gather around and we sing..."Who loves (and on this occasion Tia Gina) Who loves Tia Gina, we all do, we all do, we all love Tia Gina, we all love Tia Gina, yes we do, yes we do." So all 16 little voices, including Miss Maryuri who LOVES that song hummed along filling in the words that she could and it was precious and then Luvin asked me if he could say a prayer for Tia Gina. He's our prayer boy in the bunch. He says beautiful prayers, he really does, so he asked God to keep Tia Gina safe and thanked Him for the blessing she is to all of us and asked Him to give her another year of life that is good, and it was sweet stuff. Then Tia Gina got hugs and kisses - 16 to be exact and it was time for bed.

You know I've learned and maybe my kiddo's are learning it too, that it's not difficult to serve a servant. We had so much fun attempting to give something back to Tia Gina for all that she gives to all of us. To my kiddo's she is an aunt extraordinaire and they adore her. When she is around it's fun times, they play Herbie in the car, she hugs and kisses all over them, she calls them precious and special and they eat it up. To me, she has become one of my dearest friends on the planet and a sister to my heart. She has allowed me to be a part of her family when my own is sooooo far away and words really don't do justice to the blessing of that. She has given me the gift of a prayer warrior that I can go before God with and I have missed that so much since coming here.

You know you pray when you have your own children (and these are as close to mine as they can get) that they will have the blessing of being invested in by great people. Great people meaning those that love God and stand for what's right, who impact their world just by being present in it, people who love those around them, who are servants when they see the opportunity, etc. I watch the investments into these sweet hearts that I adore by this great one that I have the privilege to know and I am humbled to my knees that God is so kind.

Thank you Miss Gina, for what you mean to each of us. You are a huge part of this family God has built here and we love you so very very much!!

Some Thoughts From This Heart...

I heard one of the truest statements yesterday I think I’ve heard in a long time and it’s a thought that has been mulling around in this brain for some time, especially since I have been long removed from a corporate worship setting that is able to be “uplifting” in the ways I’ve grown so accustomed to. Because of that, it has caused me to think so much about what my “worship” to God really is and what it is that He expects of me in what we so commonly refer to as worship.

Heard yesterday in a conversation with someone this statement and to the best of my knowledge it went like this…”I don’t believe that our moments of truly awe-inspiring, God honoring worship usually happen within the walls of a church building.” I’m coming to believe that myself.

So why is it that we spend 90% of our budgets on doing things that happen within those walls and 10% on anything happening outside?? Why do we have well decorated, luxurious church buildings with starving people living 2 blocks away, and what does that say to a world about the Jesus we serve?

All fingers pointed at me here with the rest of any of us who have sat on our padded pews, who have come expecting “worship” instead of bringing my worship with me when I walked through the door. All fingers pointed in the direction of this heart, who expected a great song leader, a power packed sermon that lasted 30 minutes and no longer that affected change in my life, and every program that a church budget and it’s leadership could muster up to fit me right where I am in my life and “entertain” me into a worshipful state.

Shame on me for not noticing until I was 30 years old that I could kneel beside a bed of one who is hurting and pray there from the depths of the heart God gave me for a child to be healed and realize I had just “worshipped” in spirit and truth. Forgive me Father for not realizing that even as I go about my day with each person I encounter that I am given the choice to worship as I see you in each of them. Help me God to know that my Monday through Saturday is every bit as important as my Sunday from 10 am to 12 pm…and help me to live like I mean those words, instead of just saying them.

God would you raise up an army of your people, and will you please start here, who will give up the idea of a “perfect” worship assembly that meets our needs. God will you help us to remember that You invited us into Your family and took our every flaw away through the blood of Your Son, and will You help us to remember that we worship because You deserve it. Oh Father forgive us for making it something it was never intended to be…we are so human and somehow it always becomes about us.

Could you open our eyes to see the opportunities for true worship…not on a mountain or in Jerusalem or in our own temples we’ve made with our hands…but God would You help us to see every single one of them that You mark as holy ground and a moment and place for worship. Would you turn us into true worshippers that bless Your heart please?!

May this life be worship, as it seeks to love and serve You instead of myself.

Well Hello There...

I know, I know, it's been forever, as my like a brother Tony has so faithfully reminded me. Nagging me is his "big brother" job I suppose. I apologize. Feels like I do that alot on here. Tell you how sorry I am that the updates are getting fewer and further between.

Allow me to give you a few updates. We have a team here right now from a church outside Beverly called, Faith Joy Fellowship. They have been an absolute delight. They came in with such humble servant hearts willing to do anything that was needed and so it has been so easy to work alongside them. They have been a tremendous blessing to our hearts as well. We've said before that the past month or so has been one of the most difficult since I've been here and I was in a season where I felt like I could not "feel" God's presence. Don't know if you've ever been there, but it was horrible. I felt like I was screaming and I could not hear Him answer. Now that being said, I didn't doubt that He was still there helping me or that He was still my Father wanting what was best for my life. His word says it and so it must be true, it's just that the nearness that I have grown so used to experiencing with Him felt like distance. Now don't get me wrong, there have been plenty of times that I have felt distance from Him, but usually I've known exactly why...I was being rebellious or blatantly sinning and God would not allow my heart to rest near Him until I cleared that up. I am not being dishonest when I tell you that I racked my brain for sin in camp and things that would create distance and I could not come up with anything. (Ok that being said, there's some sin in camp every day, because I'm still living on this earth, but I'm talking about a blatant sin with a rebellious spirit behind it.) Just distance, a heart feeling distant. I've decided I'd rather die than not feel His presence.

Perhaps part of the reason for this month or so sabbatical from feeling Him right beside me was because I had NO idea how accustomed I had come to walking so intimately with Him, talking to Him throughout my day, relying on His wisdom with these kiddo's, just all of it. Maybe I took that in part for granted because of it. Maybe God was increasing my capacity to love Him because I realize that I never ever want to be "away" from Him and I'll do anything that I need to to make that not happen. Maybe it just happens because He promises to refine us and maybe this was part of that. I have NO idea. Don't pretend to know the mind of God.

This team however has walked among us for the past week and been Jesus with skin on. They've served us, prayed over us, encouraged us, and they have seemed to be the tool God used to release this heart from feeling distant from Him.

With tears in my eyes, I tell you that there may be a time again in my journey when God removes His presence for a time to teach my heart something, and I will walk it out because I want Him to mold this heart and change it in any way that it needs to be changed, but of all the things that God has used to refine me, through challenges and struggle and those types of things, this one...has perhaps taught me most and yet been the most difficult.

I have to be near Him. I've learned that. I have to hear Him speaking to my heart. He is my life, and just in case I needed a reminder, this month has been one.

God I need You, I desperately need You, near me, holding me, and so I'm asking now Father, if there is any other way to teach me the lessons You need to teach me, I beg You to do it. Give me a heart that will listen, before You must withdraw Your presence. I don't pretend to know all the reasons for this, but this one thing I know, I am lost without You. Everything is sweeter when I feel You walking it out with me. I thank You for times that we must trust what we know even though we cannot feel, there are lessons in that in huge ways. I'll trust Your perfect provision for my life. I will. You have not failed me, You promise You won't. I rest there. I love You so much. Thank You for reminding me just how much.