Luvin...

If there’s a tear left in me today, I wouldn’t begin to know where to start looking for it. Might be a couple left in my toenails, but I’ve cried the rest of them out I can assure you. I have had the most difficult day that I’ve had in this position in this place. I had to take one of our little guys back to the judge today and say that he couldn’t stay. Now, for those of you who know me, I’m the girl who roots for the underdog to the end. I don’t give up on people and I believe that the power of God can always change a person and this is certainly no exception. I believe this little guy has the opportunity to change.

Now what you need to know is that when we bring the kids into this home, they don’t come in as “some project” or another kid, they become sons and daughters to this heart. They are in visual form the reason I came. They are knit to my heart much like yours have become knit to yours based on the fact that they came from your womb. I don’t know how to explain all of that, I just know that it’s true. I cry when they hurt, I want to jump up and down when they do things well, I want to show every picture I have to everyone, God birthed within this girl a momma heart and I didn’t know it was happening, I just know that it did.

So when I brought Luvin in, he wasn’t just “some project” or “another kid who needed a home” while he might have been that for moments, with every night he waited for me to kiss him goodnight and every time he walked out of his room wanting me to hug him good morning and every time I watched him make progress with his anger or make a right choice instead of a wrong one every single time he wanted to help me do anything I was doing or be with me wherever I was going…he became more than just the kid who needed help, he found a spot in this heart as my son. He called me mama and asked if he could first and I said of course. So allow me please first of all to tell you there’s not just an empty space at our table tonight or an empty bed in a room there is this wide empty space in my heart that is begging God to take care of a little boy that I love.

With Ashley in the passenger seat and Luvin in between us today we drove to the judge’s office and made the longest 45 minute drive of my life to date. I thought of every single option, I doubted every decision I was about to make, at least 15 times I wanted to turn the truck around. I replayed the past 2 weeks in my mind, with every single scene from the moment we picked him up until the moment we dropped him off today. Every smile, every hug, every memory.

See the problem is that he came from a family that beat the tar out of him and he’s a 12 year old boy. He lived on the streets for a while and has “street” mentality, which basically means, tough guy wins. So he came into this house with all of that and wanted to hit our kids and tried to run away numerous times and he just took soooo much time and energy. Not one second of which I would take back, because I know that somewhere within his heart tonight he’ll remember that it was done in love. Oh please let him know it was done in love Father. Let me interject here, that I never came here for easy. If easy was what I wanted I can assure you I’d be sitting on a deck tonight or in a den or with my best friend or around the table with my family. I’d be with people I love, not far far away, crying for little boys who seem as though they never had a chance. So it wasn’t for a lack of want to or willing to on my part. It truly wasn’t and in the deepest places of my heart I know that’s true.

The problem or the privilege depending on how you look at it at the moment is that I have 15 other little hearts here that are trusting that we will keep this as a safe place when they’ve never had another one in their world. They are willing to put their trust in this white girl that when I said I’d take them home that somehow that would prove to be better than what they were leaving and with everything in them they latched on to the fact that for the first time they would be safe here. So even when it means it rips a part of my heart out to do so I am forced to make difficult decisions to keep it that way to the best of my ability. When our kids were scared of his “tough guy wins” mentality I knew something had to change. Now let me tell you that not one of these sweet ones has failed to ask me where Luvin is tonight. He became part of our family and I pray we all learned lessons in the process. I want them to know that God called us to love each other, that this house was opened for the outcasts and forgotten of the world in some ways and that they will come in “difficult” packages sometimes but that we will attempt to love them like Jesus. I am not interested in raising a bunch of “saved” from their situation kiddo’s with no heart to save the rest who are in similar boats. I want them to live with a heart like Jesus, so desperately I do. I hope we learned some of that together over the past 2 weeks, I know I did.

As I wept this morning and have grieved in no uncertain terms today, I thought about how God must feel so often when He offers us everything and we say no thanks, that looks nice, it is nice, but I’m not willing to give you all of my heart to get it. Not willing to go by your rules. Not willing to choose you over everything else. I think He feels much like I felt today. I think He cries. One thing I know for sure though, He never forces. I get to decide. I can stay within the confines of his property and within His heart or He will allow me to walk away. Somewhere in my humanness I thought walking away meant that He kinda gave a “well you made you choice” huff. I realize after today that with tears coming even from His celestial toenails He weeps that we didn’t choose Him.

I had no idea how much of the God story would be revealed as I walked out the calling to be here with some precious children that God sent into my life and have built homes in this heart. I have learned more about them in my daily dealings with them than I have learned in 30 years otherwise. They teach me something every single day.

Today the lesson was horrendously hard…but yet I love God more after today if that’s possible, cause I loved Him so much it hurt yesterday.

As a final note, I told Luvin that my house was always open to him that he was my son and that when I told him that it wasn’t just words, he was leaving an empty space in my heart that would forever be his and anytime he wanted to change and wanted this home more than he wanted to fight and be rough and run away to other places that this home was his for the taking but it came with rules because it had to for the safety of everyone. I cried my gutts out when I left him at the judge’s office. He cried too. I reminded him that I loved him and I’d pray every single day for him. I will.

I would ask that you’d pray for him too. Tonight there’s a 12 year old little boy that doesn’t know where he’ll pillow his head and this is a whole new element of trusting God for me. I have to believe that as huge as God was to bring Rudy and Brayan home, he’ll find a way to bring him “home” to, wherever home is that will change his heart. If it’s here, we’ll welcome him back with open arms, I can assure you. If it’s not we’ll wait for the seeds that God asked us to plant to grow and wait in eager expectation to see him in Heaven and I’ll squeeze him until his head pops off.

Lord, please be near that little 12 year old heart tonight when the one he trusted to call “mama” can’t tuck him in or hug him before he sleeps. Will you please be so real to him and find him a home that can help him find his way. He wants help God he does, he just doesn’t know it yet. Would you change his want to? In the meantime will you help this momma heart to trust you with all of your children that you’ve granted to my care, even this one that for at least a time had to leave.

Guess I did find a few more tears as I wrote this. A few still in there. I figure God did too, every single time I wandered away.

He never gave up, we won’t either. Please pray with us and for Luvin…my son who I miss tonight in ways I’ll never be able to explain!

A Huge Shout Out...

To my heroes who came out in the pouring rain to help 3 white girls and a little boy get out of the flood waters on Kennedy last night.

Only in Honduras do you call your "little brother" who is in for a 10 day trip and say look I'm on Kennedy and I got stuck in the water (because there is no drainage system that's worth anything) and the truck stalled out and I can't get it started...then not only does he show up but has his posse with him.

So to all of you sweet guys who came and bailed us out last night and were willing to stand in the foot of water with your pants rolled up and get drenched while helping us get to a safe place so we could get the truck started, you have earned an extra jewel in your crown.

Nate, Mark, Luis, and Justin huge thanks for coming to the rescue.

It's late. It's quiet. I'm sitting in my office that I just shifted around tonight, with my lamp dimly lighting this room and my candle making the office smell really good. Hillsong is singing praise music and for the first time this week I am taking time to relive the events of the past week and take them in. It's been an eventful week to say the least. Busy. Beautifully busy.

As many of you know, if you've read Karen or Ashley's blogs we took in 6 new children this week. 6 broken children who needed a place to live. Brayan and Rudy have finally come home, can we shout HALLELUJAH??!! And to my sheer surprise God had other plans and decided to send 4 more with them.

You know it's always a time of huge adjustment here when we bring in new kiddo's. There are those moments when overwhelming is the best word to describe it. We all have moments of "God I can't do this, this is so hard, and I have no idea how to reach this one." There are tears there are always tears as we collapse into bed at night exhausted because we are emotionally spent with giving and trying to be Jesus and attempt to be balm for their wounds in some very small way. It's a difficult time always and we covet your prayers. But I maintain that it is during these times that I learn the very most about God's sufficiency. The whole when we are weak He is strong promise.

This week some of my most poignant lessons have come from a little boy named Luvin. He's a handful in no uncertain terms. And if you knew nothing of his background you'd be able to send him away and not give him a second look, unfortunately. He's one of those kids that would be so easy to give up on and overlook. He has been beaten, has scars on his body as signs of hot water thrown on him, all at the hands of his parents. So his answer to problems in his world is anger and force, as has been evidenced.

After an "episode" where his anger erupted I had come home and walked in and was attempting to calm him down and talk with him. In that room with his 12 year old self on my lap just bawling and me rocking him back and forth and saying Luvin, God loves you, God loves you, God loves you, his heart settled. As we were talking I felt God giving me words to say in 12 year old language that was very unscripted and on the spot (which I happen to be way bad at most often).

Got to sit with a little guy who has never felt loved in his 12 years of life and explain that God loves him on his good days and bad days moment by moment and that we were going to attempt to be God's love to him in this house. I explained that he needed to apologize to Ashley (who took the brunt of his anger with the heart of Jesus) and that he would need to stand in front of the other kiddo's that night before dinner and tell them he was sorry because this was a family and he had hurt one of the members of our family and when that happened we all hurt. He said, "but I'm embarrassed." Whewwww don't know how many times you've been there but it broke my heart, I said I know buddy, I am always embarrassed when I have to tell God that I'm sorry because I did things I shouldn't have done, that I didn't really want to do, but it's still necessary and you'll feel better afterwards. We talked for a while longer about God and how much He loves us and how when we ask Him to forgive us He does and He doesn't remember it anymore and we're gonna do the same. I said to him, are you ready to go tell Ashley you're sorry? He looked at me and I said, I'll go with you but you're gonna have to tell her yourself ok?! He nodded his head.

So with all his courage mustered and his head buried in his hands, I called Ashley inside and told her he wanted to talk to her. She sat down at the table next to him, hugged him first (after he'd spent an hour or so wailing on her) and lifted his head to look at her. He said with much sorrow, I'm sorry for hitting you and making you sad. We both explained to him that we all make mistakes and that God loves us through them and the important thing is that we make better choices and that it was our job to try and help him learn how to do that.

So at supper time, I walked up and I said Luvin are you ready? He looked at me as if to say for what, and I said remember what we talked about earlier. He stood up and walked up in front of everyone else as he was holding onto my hand and in words that came straight from him he said..."I want to live here and I want to be a part of this family and I'm sorry I hurt someone you love today and I need you to forgive me." Whewww puddle of tears in this heart. Those weren't my words they were his. Then Marvin, bless his little heart said, "It's ok Luvin we all make bad decisions, we forgive you." We had a great "family discussion" about God's love and His forgiveness and what that means.

Funny how when you're supposed to be the teacher you find yourself learning the best lessons. Not ones you didn't know but ones you hadn't yet fully realized perhaps.

I thought about how every single time I go before God to say, I am so sorry...I want to live here and be part of this family and I hurt you today and I need you to forgive me...how He so willingly says, it's ok Jen I knew you'd make some bad decisions, I forgive you. Thought about how every single time I have to do that, in a sense Jesus says it's ok Jen I know you're embarrassed but it's the right thing to do, I'll go with you and He's my advocate, my partner in my confession in a sense.

Guess in part I just got caught up in the beauty and simplicity of the love and grace of God and as I was attempting to explain it without flowery words or intelligence that would be admired or doctrine that lined up or any of that I just got overtaken by the pure and simple love of a God who would take me in as much of a mess as I was, who would clean me up, put me in new clothes, and wait patiently for the process of my transformation, believing in what I could be instead of what I was.

Oh Father may we please do the same! Thank you for the visualization of Your love through the eyes of this one You gave to our keeping. May we think and act in the shadow of Your cross as we deal with him.

We continue to covet your prayers. Thank you for them, every last one of them.

Live loved....You are!!

A few pictures from the house and with the momma yesterday...see story below!

Oh Dear...

So yep it's been almost a month, how in the WORLD does that happen?? I wish I had some great story of why I've been deterred in writing a post, it's just that...hmmm...well I don't. It's just that one day on top of another day added to another day happened and busy and meetings and well life happened and I didn't take the time to sit down and write about it because at the time it didn't seem noteworthy I guess. Then it's like you look back and realize how much has happened in a month or so's time and feel as if you ought to catch those people, (those faithful people, who watch for a blog every morning) up on what's going on. Except then you sit down and think oh Heavens there's so much. So how about that for a rambling paragraph....

Well the last that you heard from me we were being wow'd by God's amazing providence and provision over Rudy and Brian and their sweet little lives. We had been amazed at how He had worked all the details out to be able to have them call this home and how we felt that we needed to take our sandals off in Dunkin Donuts because it became "holy ground" in a sense. Who knew, you could get donuts and a good dose of God in that place, I knew I loved it for a reason. I frequent it often still just in case He might want to make another grand appearance :)

I went to meet with the judge today and it is official, Rudy and Brian are moving to Casa. I'll pick them up on Wednesday morning at 11:30 am and they'll be ours for such a time as this. Please know that I write these next words humbled to my knees because I don't deserve this, it is merely God's favor for reasons that I'll never know, but I got to meet their mother today. I watched this beautiful 29 year old woman walk in who has 6 children and lives a life of desperation but who was as warm and tender as anyone I've met. When she walked into the room and I told her my name was Jennifer she hugged the stuffin's out of me. Then with tears in her eyes, she said, you're HER. In the next several minutes she explained to me that for the last year her boys had been telling her about me and how I wanted to help them but she was scared and didn't know who I was or what they were talking about. She looked at me with tears in her eyes and said if I would have known it was a children's home, I would have let them come a long time ago. We needed help. She told me that Brian asked her if she would give him a wallet so that he could keep the note that I gave him with my name and phone number on it because he didn't want to lose it. He kept walking around saying, isn't it pretty handwriting mom, isn't it pretty?! The judge told me that a children's home wanted Rudy and Brian to come live there, but I didn't know anything about the people. She said I wanted to come today and make sure that Casa de Esperanza was run by the person that my little boys fell in love with and when you told me your name was Jennifer I knew it was you. Ok so tears...yet again!! It's not that there's anything extraordinary about me, it's just that God gave me the opportunity to connect with these two little hearts and when I had no clue He was working and all seemed hopeless, there He was, preparing the way, being who He is, and allowing this flawed girl to somehow for some reason hold out hope for two little boys.


After we had a meeting in the judge's office, we went to their house to "see" where they had come from and if ever I forget what desperate looks like, I'll go back to remember, cause it's that important. It was destitute. It was a sheet for a door, it was a dirty mattress on a dirt floor, it was a 3 year old watching a 4 month old while the mother was in the city, it was tin covering a floor with holes in it, a staircase with the most wobbly stairs you have ever seen, it was poverty in the form of a mother who could not care for her children. With tears in her eyes in the meeting yesterday she said to me, "I wish there was some other way..." to which I responded, "so do I." I so wish there was some other way. Thought about all the momma's I know who would have their heart ripped out if they must give their children to someone that they barely know so that they could be fed and taken care of.

It was a great reminder day to me of why we do what we do...even while it's soooooooooo far away from our families and people we love so very much. I connected with this sweet woman yesterday and realized that this ministry goes so much further than taking care of children, it's also being kind and befriending a woman who has been looked down upon and who feels has lost most of her dignity. It's attempting to be who Jesus would be to the oppressed, the seemingly forsaken, the impoverished and hurting. It's living out the red letters...

oh God help me please live them out and then give you all the credit!!

That's only part of the story...just from yesterday! God showed up yet again.

As for the rest of the month that I left you out of, well I'll catch you up on that as well. Gonna take several posts in the next few days to cover it. So stay tuned...

INTERNS WANTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So...just in case your summer plans are still up in the air and no one has told you that this is the COOLEST place to spend a summer, here's your formal notice!!

We are still looking for a few people who will come and work with us here from June through August. You will have the opportunity to fall in love with some precious kiddo's and draw closer to the heart of God as you sacrifice some things and He meets you there. I can't make many promises, but that one you can take to the bank, I'm sure of it!!

If you're interested please send us an email at casadeesperanza@gmail.com

It's gonna be a great summer, don't miss it!!

Let us not underestimate how hard it is to be compassionate. Compassion is hard because it requires the inner disposition to go with others to the place where they are weak, vulnerable, lonely, and broken. But this is not our spontaneous response to suffering. What we desire most is to do away with suffering by fleeing from it or finding a quick cure for it. As busy, active, relevant ministers, we want to earn our bread by making a real contribution. This means first and foremost doing something to show that our presence makes a difference. And so we ignore our greatest gift, which is our ability to enter into solidarity with those who suffer. Those who can sit in silence with their fellowman, not knowing what to say but knowing that they should be there, can bring new life in a dying heart. Those who are not afraid to hold a hand in gratitude, to shed tears in grief and to let a sigh of distress arise straight from the heart can break through paralyzing boundaries and witness the birth of a new fellowship, the fellowship of the broken.

-Henri Nouwen

So...

The meeting with the judge went so well. She seems like such a kind lady. Thank you Lord that there is someone fighting for these children in high places that seems to exude kindness. I'm sure there are others, I'm just thankful to have met her. Please keep her in your prayers, her name is Julia and her job is difficult on the very best day.

We turned in the rest of the paperwork she needed from us, and said she'd have the paperwork done on her end this week. In Honduran time I'm guessing that means next week, but hey we'll settle for that, when we didn't think a few weeks ago it was even gonna be possible. :)

I'll keep you posted and take lots of pictures when they finally get here.

AND YES LORI I AM PRAYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?????????????

Update...

For all of you staying tuned...

the meeting with the judge has been scheduled officially for tomorrow at 2 pm, so I should have more information then. Keep praying. We're close to bringing them home and everytime we have opened these doors to more children it has been so incredibly special in it's own ways. This one has it's own tender moments all wrapped up in it, because some little boy took me at my word to help him, to take care of him, to welcome him home, and he held onto those words with all his might. (Don't you ever doubt that God uses you in this world to be someone else's hope, when they have none left.) I have no idea what it was about this flawed, clay footed girl, that made him think he could trust me, but it makes me want to live up to every one of his crazy ideas about her. :) Just because he thinks I will.

Oh Lord please help me in the moments that I am human and he will be disappointed. Thank You that you never are and when we take You at Your word to help us, take care of us, and welcome us home, we are never disappointed in Your faithfulness to do just that.

Here They Are...

So this is the sweet little guys that you've read about...I dug out the picture from the first night that we met them and they ate pizza like it was their job!!

I am going today to meet with the judge to attempt to speed up the paperwork to get Brian out of Casitas Kennedy. Please say a prayer that it will work and that they'll be here so very soon.

I shared with our boys last night before bed that we were going to take in two new little boys and that I was going to need their help. I love them so much!! They started listing all of the things they were going to help them do. Yovani says, yeah we'll help them learn how to clean the kitchen, and brush their teeth, and where they need to sleep, and on and on, there was quite a list. It was so cute!! So for now, I think they're excited that they're coming. I know I am!!!

Blessings on your day!!