Preface...

Ok let me just preface this and I should have added this last night...my heart is surrounded by the coolest people on the planet, so I certainly am not at a loss for people who support me and are there for me. I am blessed beyond words in that regard.

My words in the next post referenced those times in life when it's impossible, no matter how tremendously true and good they are, for people to understand completely,because the journey is yours and our limited vocabulary can't fully explain the depths of the heart. It's in those moments that I am reminded of Jesus crying out to His Father and so desperately wanting another way and his pleas for them to understand somehow.

Guess that's part of the beauty with God, regardless of my vocabulary or my inadequacies or my faults that are glaring at moments, He sees right through to my heart in it's deepest places and I need no explanation in His presence. What a relief some days!!!

ALONE...

Don't know if there's a time when I relate any more to Jesus than times when I just feel helplessly alone...when it appears that no one "really" understands, when it feels as though you're standing on one side of camp and most if not everyone is on another, when you'd give anything to be understood at the hearts core...almost sometimes as if I can see Him there in those moments in Gethsemane praying with sweat drops of blood for any other way as He begged some of his nearest and dearest to stand beside Him and they couldn't stay awake, stay present.

In my own Gethsemane moments of life as I agonize with God over there being "any other way," I remember that I am not alone, that the same guy who sweat drops of blood over what He was called to do then, probably at moments still sweats as He takes these heart wrenching prayers to the Father begging for His will to be done. I think He fully understands that prayer, and while I'll never utter it with the purity and untaintedness of heart that He did, I think He honors the fact that I want to.

Thank you Jesus for walking through Gethsemane and every footstep before and after so that we'd know we are never ever alone in times of trial in our own lives. You are more than enough for me, thank you!

Jesus eyes...

Was reading a book the other day, it was a fiction book, but somewhere in there it continued to bring up in several characters the fact that when someone loved Jesus there was something different about their eyes. They have "Jesus eyes." Can't get that out of my head this week, because it's been sort of a difficult week in some ways, and I have seen a few people in my world here show up with their Jesus eyes and Jesus hearts and it has touched me. Didn't need a show. Didn't need any recognition. It showed up in my brother Joe as he showed up and didn't say a word and just hugged me and sat beside me. It showed up in Mark Connell's hand on my shoulder and his words that were from God. It showed up in Lori's kind eyes and no words but her kiss on my cheek. You know sometimes loving on people like Jesus doesn't mean anything extraordinary it just means showing up and being near.

Was sitting yesterday and was reminded again what Jesus looks like. Saw my friend sitting across the room with tears in her eyes and I watched this kind man walk over to her, kneel down beside her and say "you are not alone in this, i am so sorry you have felt so alone for far too long, but you lean on us now, and lean on us hard if you have to, because we support you, you are NOT alone do you hear me?!" Sat across the room and watched and thought yep that's Jesus. He's got "Jesus eyes."

Thanks guys for the reminder to my heart of the beauty of humility and kindness and gentleness and those things that loving Jesus brings about.

Praying for "Jesus eyes" for all of us and a love extended to one another and the world that touches the deepest places.

Stay Tuned...

Well Jeff is relentless in his nagging for me to write a blog with pictures about our experiences the first week he was there and I AM going to do that. Right now however I am far too busy eating monkey bread and sipping tea on the deck to have time to give in to his request for such things. :):)

I have been home for a week for my cousin's wedding and various other things and that has been delightful. As is always the case, the time flies, you wish you had more time to spend with people, and you have those stinkin tears that are inevitable as you leave so many people that you love soooooooo much!! So it's one of those days, and I'm sitting in this den I love, listening for God's voice, enjoying the quiet with Him before I head back to Hondo tomorrow.

Here's a blog I wrote a few days ago though and never posted. Seems sort of like it works for my heart now.

Well construction damage is almost over and things are starting to get cleaned up around the property and look as though someone really is going to live here and let kiddo’s play around here someday very soon! I have been looking around so much just thinking, oh man the kids are gonna love that, and I look at the playground and think lots of joy gonna come from this, and it’s just been fun to watch as the rains have come and it’s starting to “green up” around the place.

Something I’ve noticed as I’ve watched though over the past week or so. In our backyard there are patches of grass that are starting to grow and it’s starting to look more like a yard than a dirt pit.

Yesterday I was standing on the back porch and in one of those moments with God that we sometimes share, I looked at the yard and I saw these grassy patches that we’ve waited months to see and then I noticed it. Right there in the middle of the grass were these patches where the grass was not growing, where rocks still lay and forbid the grass to grow. Thought about the parable of the soil obviously for a few seconds and then I had to think about my own life. Thought about those places in my own life where growth hasn’t occurred lately and thought about the similarities.

If I’ve learned anything over the past 3 or 4 years of walking with the Lord I have learned this…if I don’t grow it’s because I have chosen not to, because I have hardened places within me to His voice and to His changing power. Because every single time I want to, really want to regardless of what that takes or requires, He has filled my life with opportunities to learn and ways to grow. I could write a book on those moments alone.

Yep ashamedly, I still have some rocky places in this heart where I’ve chosen not to let things grow. God keeps asking and I keep saying I want to and then my actions prove otherwise. I suppose we all could relate to that in some ways.

The biggest problem with having places still containing rocks in my heart is that God’s word says, “for out of the heart the mouth speaks,” and unfortunately if I allow them to remain within me, at some point when the pressure is on and stress is high and emotions go crazy, my rocks get hurled at others, from my heart out of my mouth. Then it’s not just rocky places in my heart, it’s my rocks being hurled at other people and leaving wounds because of the things I’ve refused to allow God to change.

Just wondered and asked Him, God when you look where are the patches of rocks that are not allowing the fruits of Your Spirit to grow in this heart?

Think our backyard was a good place for God and I to meet today. Funny how many times if we choose to be present He shows Himself in things we come in contact with every single day. Today it was the grass. Surely makes you understand that He desires to be present in our every day ordinary life huh??!!

May He find your heart a great place to plant a splendid garden chock full of His fruits!!

"Appropriate Smallness"

Am finishing a book right now that I started a couple years ago. Funny how God does that huh and brings books along when your heart is ready or when they apply to what you're experiencing or can understand more fully at a particular time in your life. The book is called The Life You've Always Wanted by John Ortberg. A very practical but challenging book. In the chapter I read yesterday he is talking about the fact that unfortunately as human beings we all suffer from some version of the "messiah complex." Our humility is often a false sense of humility. Our service is often for what can be gained instead of what can be given. Our idea is that in at least some moments the universe revolves solely around "me" and I'm the only one in it. It's true isn't it.

I have been thinking about this so much lately. Let me see if I can explain with a few quotes from his chapter.

"Humility if we could ever grow into it, would not be a burden. It would be an immense gift. Humility is the freedom to stop trying to be what we're not, or pretending to be what we're not, and accepting our 'appropriate smallness.'"

"One of the hardest things in the world is to stop being the prodigal son without turning into the elder brother."

"Sometimes we adults try to be Superman. We try to look smarter or more successful or more spiritual than we are. We try to answer questions we don't understand. But it is a heavy burden, trying to be Superman when we're grown up."

"We must minister out of weakness. The reason we help others is not because we are strong and they need us; it is because if we don't help them, we will end up a hopeless relic."

"Authentic community is characterized perhaps more than anything else by mutual servanthood and submission."

Ok so some random ramblings perhaps but hopefully attached to the subject...have been wondering a lot lately if even in our attempts at service it isn't sometimes as much about us as it is about anyone else. Do I serve because I know I need to and it's right and because I really want to love as Jesus asked me to, or does it go more like I am serving because I am a big wealthy American and these poor people need me and it makes me feel good about..."me." Me little old me, are you kidding me??? But it becomes that way sometimes. It's easy even in ministry if we're honest to have a major messiah complex. As if any of this somehow depended on me. But we pretend like it does don't we?

You been around anyone lately who "knows all the answers?" I have and don't you sometimes want to say will you please just admit that you have no idea. You just made up an answer for something you have NO idea about. Ever done that? Ever made up an answer because not having one somehow made you feel inadequate or incapable? I have. I do.

Appropriate smallness is not a comfortable chair for us to sit in. Doesn't feel good in some moments. But it does this really amazing thing if even for moments here and there we attempt to settle into it. It reminds us that this world is a great big place and I don't need to be Superman I can just be free to love and serve, not because someone in the world needs me but because this appropriately small being needs them. I need to serve because it is the one anecdote to my own pride and need to make myself seem to be so much more important than I really am. I need to serve because it reminds me that "me" is right there with every other soul on the planet crawling toward a cross.

Appropriate smallness...I like that! Help us Father, help us somehow get the big picture and take up our small place in it so that we can be free to love and serve instead of spending the majority of our time on our "Superman" facade that crumbles with one look at You.

Is That Possible?

A few hours ago I looked at the calendar and the thought occured to me that I have been here for 7 months today. Unbelievable!! I haven't been counting the months and so they sort of slipped away from me I think. Some days it seems like I came here just weeks ago, and other days it feels like at least a year.

It's funny isn't it how time just keeps on trucking and packed within every single day are a thousand lessons to learn if we're just open and looking for them.

This has been one of the most jam packed with opportunites to learn times in my life. I was telling someone the other day this has been the best and the worst few months of my life. Best because I have gotten to see and experience and learn so many things. Worst because to do that I have had to be part of some difficult things. Learning usually happens that way huh??!! I seldom learn as much on top of those mountain times with God as I do when the road is marked with some tough spots and pain. I tend to seek Him more then. I need Him more then. I remember that I am inadequate and unable then.

So many things have happened in 7 months. I've gone through some language training and wonder of all wonders learned a few words in Spanish. :) We have watched as literally a few concrete blocks turned into this beautiful home that children would live in. I have been able to watch as people sacrificed in humble me to my knees kind of ways to be a part of this ministry. We got out paintbrushes and I have NO idea how many gallons of paint and went to town on these walls and the inside turned into a bright cheery place to be. A container pulled in with donations from so many people to furnish this home and when they got put into place I got huge tears in my eyes as it began to look like home. We have made friendships with some wonderful people that will be part of my heart forever now. We have adopted Honduran families and invested in their lives and on and on the list could go.

You know most buildings and most ministries don't get to begin in 7 or 8 months time. As impatient as we sometimes can become in some of this, God has blessed it beyond words and it has only just begun. I can't wait to write and tell you about what the kids think when they walk in and see it.

Oh glorybumps. Hmmm 7 months crazy!!

Gonna Be A Long One...

Alright well I haven't posted about anything that's going on for a while now (with the exception of the water adventures) and so I'll try and give you an update here on several different things.

Let me begin here...a couple of years ago in God's complete kindness He built a relationship between my heart and a precious family that aren't mine biologically but you sure couldn't convince the love in my heart of that at this point. Takes nothing at all away from the family God allowed me to be born into, I love them dearly so much it hurts sometimes, it's just that He decided to double my hearts blessings I guess. Anyway, in the middle of the blessing I inherited some brothers. What a treat that has been. One of them, has touched my heart lately in some of it's deepest places as I have watched him search and seek out what God really wanted Him to do with his life. He was working a "good" job in Columbus as a sales rep and if you spend any amount of time with his heart you quickly learn that he seeks more in life than a behind the desk sales job. He's got a helping people heart. He just had an offer for a different position within the same company that really looked pretty good and you know what the boy did? He politely declined so that he could come to Honduras for the summer because he felt like it was what he was supposed to do. Now he's trusting that when he gets home God will open a door for somewhere else that he can work closer to home doing something more in line with the gifts God put in his heart. You have to love that kind of faith! So starting Tuesday I'll get to spend the summer with my adopted brother. I LOVE that!!

This country is waiting for the gifts and love that you bring Jeff. Thank you for teaching me some great lessons as I've watched you the past month or so yield to Him to use you however He so chooses. It's been more than fun to watch and more than a blessing to get to be just a small part of. Check out his blog, (under my links) I am sure he'll keep you posted on how this experience is touching him this summer. We are honored to get to have him here.

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Ok so last week my mom was here. She brought her friend Gloria with her and Karen's mom was here as well. We had a great week getting to show them around and allowing them to see what God allows us to do here. Here are just a few pictures of that adventure.
















Ok so that's all the pictures it's letting me post for some reason, so I'll have to share more later. I didn't take my camera much so am waiting to get copies of mom's picture cd. She got some good ones. I think it was good for her to be here. I'm not sure if she left more relieved or more afraid of me being here, as we had a few scary moments with the bus and taxi strike and a couple other moments, but I think she also saw that I love this place and she got to meet so many of the people our hearts have become close to and that was fun!! Pray for her heart, I know she wanted to pack me up in her suitcase. It is hard I know, what I am asking them to sacrifice as I do this as well and I'm grateful everyday for that.

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We have inherited more Santa Ana family this week. Mike and Janet Paden moved down here from Illinois just within the past week or so. They have been a tremendous blessing already for our hearts and we are delighted to have them here. As with anything though the beginning can be difficult and so I would just ask that you cover them in prayer as Satan will surely be attacking hard while they try to adjust and get settled in here. When good things are happening, Satan fights that with a vengeance as we all know and so we covet your prayers. I look forward to working with them and know that God has led them here for such a time as this.

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Think that about covers all the things I can think of to update you on at this point. Ohhhh no one other thing...our paperwork is now officially all signed and there are a few more steps in the process but the biggest hurdles are jumped. Please continue to pray for that to happen soon. The IHNFA inspectors will be coming out Tuesday morning to check out the place. They publish some formal publication in a newspaper here and ask if there are any objections to us being here and then I think we are pretty much good to go. I pray it won't be long now. It's time for some kiddo's to come home. :) We have seen so many times through this how God's timing is so perfect though. We are in the process now of doing some repairs that need to be done before kids can be here safely. The container is in Honduras now with the remainder of our things including the dryer and the oven and things like that so it should be here sometime next week. He still really does know best. Have no idea why we doubt that so often.

Ok now I really do think that covers the highlights. I am way missing people I love from home right now though and won't see them again for several months so I would appreciate your prayers for a heart that will always and forever now live in two places. Some days that's easier than others. Part of my heart will always be with them, part of my heart always here in this land that has captured it's own piece of it. It's a blessing to have so many people that you love and so many people that love you, it just at moments is difficult to do the missing them thing.

Thank you for loving us, encouraging us, and for praying us through. We couldn't do this without you!!

Yea Though I Walk Through "Poop Mud"

Yep...it's 10:00 pm tonight and the rains do come and the thunder rolls and the trench we dug does get filled with silt and we head back out on another adventure into the mud!! It's just starting to get fun now...

but will someone please come this summer who can build us a system that will stop this mess? :)

Jeff...got any trench building abilities under your belt...cause you know there are those "special projects" you love so much. Well we've got one, boy do we have one!! :):) See you soon brother! 

YAY YAY YAY!!!!

Taylor won...well YIPPY SKIPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And yes I am reverting to 13 years old and yes I am talking about American Idol. Ok season's over guess my Tuesday and Wednesday night tv addiction can now end.

Will blog more about my week with my mom tomorrow. But for tonight TAYLOR WON!!!!!!! YAY!!!

:):)

The Poop Mud Adventure...

OK so first things first...rainy season has begun in Honduras and here are just a few signs. Yes this is our floor and yes these are our pans on our floor...and yes there is a reason. Casa has never been through a rainy season in Honduras yet, so we're still working the kinks out and well there a few holes in the roof so yeah...pans on the floor!! But wait it gets better!!!

















Ok so tonight...we walk outside to check on the rain situation and in front of the house it is minutes from flooding in the front door. So about oh 9 oclock Anita and Pablo and I are setting out on a poop mud adventure. This picture is after most of the water had drained due to our trench digging abilities or God's goodness one or the other. :) There was water EVERYWHERE!!! When we first walked out and I stood in the water it came up high on my calf in a few places not too far from the front door. It was crazy. So we dug it out and hopefully caused it to drain for the rest of tonight until we can get some drainage pipe solution in the next few days.

You know it's funny cause I griped and I whined around some about all these water problems the past few days, AND THEY ARE FRUSTRATING undoubtedly, but somewhere in the whole adventure tonight I realized that I'd go in in a few minutes and take a shower and I'd be clean. That I'd lay down in a nice dry warm bed tonight with clean covers and I'd rest well. I thought about how many people in this country tonight do not have the same privilege. They'll take baths in water that's full of feces. They'll not have a bed, they'll sleep in the poop mud. They will have water running through their homes not just in front of it. I guess sometimes all it takes is a little perspective.

I'm off to my clean warm bed right now praying for all those who don't have that luxury and wondering why me?! Lord continue to help us learn please regardless of how crummy it feels sometimes.